I haven’t been able to write for a while. I have felt this massive internal gridlock, bottleneck – so many feelings, so many experiences, stories within stories within stories…where to begin? how to write about it all? Writing on the Alzheimer’s Association forum has opened the channels again. I feel very vulnerable sharing this, but here is a stream of consciousness piece I just wrote about my experience of dementia – three months into inviting my mom to live in my house, and caregiving for her.
This is about loving fiercely. About being there for another human being in her time of greatest confusion and weakness. About finding out who we are, who they are, who others are, at the essence, the soul level. About feeling and expressing our feelings about those people, what they do, what they don’t do, in the situation. About finding the quiet amidst the storm, balancing the infinite possibilities of “no limit” thinking with the comfort, ease, and boundaries of recognizing and setting limits. It’s about learning that it’s ok to put myself first. It’s about remembering to dance and play music and find the blessings and opportunities in the most excruciating and challenging of circumstances. It’s about feeling the hollowness of loneliness and filling that space with faith and dreams and deep, deep connection with my soul. It’s about embracing the possibilities of healing, and about letting go of people who don’t want to heal. It’s about loving through my rage, about forgiving through my resentment. While the topic is you, the journey is me. Foraging through, embracing opportunities to expand into new circles, new ideologies, and to connect with like-minded souls with similar values. As I carry you forward, I let go – of those who prove themselves to have radically different principles and priorities, who fail to come through for you, for me. I am the light, shining upon you, through the prism that clarifies who is who and what is what. This is the moment of Truth. Painful, shocking. But I do not look away. I accept the gift of seeing, knowing. Through the struggle, I find the treasure. And I thank you, Gd/dess, for choosing me to be the one to step up and step into your Glory. Blessed be.
©2018 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be copied without author’s permission.