You cannot be rescued
Will not be rescued
Blame me
For the fire consuming you
Hold me in contempt
For having cultivated the ability
To get you out
of the burning building
Focus your energies
Not on allowing me
But on condemning me
Effectively pulling me into the fire
With you
Using what is left of your power
To try and destroy me
The way you tried to destroy me
As a child
Resentful that I was born
With Light in my eyes
Which you thought you didn’t have
Though I saw it in you

And all the work
From over the years
Is unraveled
And I am left with the starkness
Of bereshith
Tohu vavohu
Darkness and upheaval
Swirling around me
Threatening to suck me into
The void
The blackness of the unrelenting pit
From which I extracted myself
With the sheer focus and determination
Of my soul
So many years ago

This is a spiritual struggle
You are my mother
But also my enemy from another world
In my face
In my house
Riding the wave of my kindness
To use it against me
Picking me apart at the core
Thread by thread
Pitting me against myself
Once again
Forcing me to choose
Between your life and mine
So that what was an opportunity
For love and closeness
Becomes a breeding ground
For discord and trauma
Which you thrive on
Which is your playground
Until I say “enough”
And let you fall
Into the black void
Alone

©2019 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of […]

You exile me
From your life
The way this country
Exiles you
From its borders
Eroding my love
Until it turns in on itself
And becomes hatred
Traumatized
Not by your being forced to leave
But by your choosing to do so
Well before
Your date of departure
Abandoning me
On the jagged rocks
As the cold and unrelenting waves
Crash over me again and again
Without mercy
And the comfort of your arms
Is nowhere to be found

©2019 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be copied without author’s permission.

You rely entirely
on caller ID
Can’t be bothered
To leave a message for me
Telling me what’s on your mind
or asking what’s on mine

You don’t contact me for 10 days
Then send a text
That you hope I’m OK
When only the day before
I was in the hospital
For severe chest pain
And the week before
I was in excruciating agony
Grieving the loss of you

You don’t ask take action
Do shit to find out what’s going on
Or do anything about it

Maybe it’s your poor self esteem
But I don’t seem to be
High enough priority
For you to do what it takes
To be with me
Even at the basic level
Of communicating

So I’ve been the one
Stepping up compensating
Holding the emotional container
Of this relationship
Facilitating the processing
Which has put me
In the role of manager
Not girlfriend

I need to break this pattern
With you with men
Trust against all evidence to the contrary
That there is someone out there
Who will step up and meet me
Where I’m at
Having devoted his life to healing
And spiritual transformation
Because it’s who he is
not because it’s what I need

I see the vastness in you
But you don’t
And so I have to let you go
Figure things out on your own
And believe
That someday
I will no longer be alone
In seizing the opportunity
Of this glorious adventure

©2019 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No […]