Your Orbit

Dear Daddy
There is a brokenness in you
That you wouldn’t/couldn’t fix
That you were unwilling/unable
To repair
Effectively threatening to break me
Anytime I neared your orbit
Effectively repelling me
From your life
This family
This community
Forcing me to choose
Between you and me
And in doing so
Pitting me against myself

I have circled around and around
This orbit
For a lifetime
Hoping praying offering trying
Again and again
In every possible permutation
Of reaching out
In a way that
I remained intact
But it seems
That the only way I could connect with you
Was through broken shards of glass
From my soul
Which I refuse to shatter
Or compromise
No matter what the price

I guess it was never
My role or responsibility
And that it exceeded my ability
To do so in the first place
Despite the fervent power
Of my pure child love
And passionate quest
For healing and wholeness
Because free will
Trumps even Gd’s will

But I miss you
Before you have gone
And I feel sad
For your sadness
Which has been so unnecessary
All these years
Because I have always
Been right here
Waiting for you
To open your eyes
Wake up
And step into the glory
Of the horizon
Just at the edge
Of your orbit