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Paralyzed
Paralyzed
By the loss so far
Accumulating further loss
Through inaction
There wasn’t enough time to do it right
Or I was busy trying to let go
And live in the here and now
And now I’m anxious
I may have forgotten details
Truth lies in the details
So I might get the facts wrong
And I’ve done so much living
And I’m in such a different head space now
That I might be removed from the situation
To the extent that I gloss over it
Just as I cautioned myself
Not to do
All those years ago
So I am paralyzed
Accumulating more loss
That paralyzes me more
As the years tick by
And I become that passing-of-time casualty
That I warned myself
Never to become
©2017 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be copied without author’s permission.
Scapegoat
You say it is the will of Gd
Perhaps it’s just your unwillingness
To imagine the possibilities
Step out of bounds
Do whatever it takes
Perhaps you are not in fact powerless
But rather lazy
Self-indulgent
Relying on the systems rules constructs
That small-minded people created
To ensure the even flow of mediocrity
Maybe you are just operating
On the lowest common denominator
Knowing that to effect change
You would have to create new standards
And hold yourself to them
While others try to shoot you down
In avoidance of your demands on yourself
Which have implicit demands on them
Maybe you really
Just don’t care all that much
And you look to Gd
Not as the all powerful One
With a divine plan in mind
But rather
As your personal scapegoat
©2017 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be copied without author’s permission.
Writing Is Powerful Medicine
Tonight I spoke with a newish friend about how I have been feeling grief, sadness, and depression related to my family. After decades of trying every possible means of healing my family relationships, my relationships to those relationships, and my family members themselves, I have given up. Or more accurately, I have chosen to stop trying. Or perhaps even more accurately, I am trying to choose to stop trying. (Aye there’s the rub – by nature, I am relentless.)
They are who they are, and they do what they do, and there is a whole lot of toxic, convoluted, twisted shit in there, which is literally dangerous to my health – in particular because I am healing from cancer, and there is profound mind-body connection, in both directions: focusing on the positive/healthy stuff and not allowing in the negative/unhealthy stuff.
With my sister, this letting-go translates into zero contact. With my father, it now translates into nominal contact, like sending a gift by mail or sending an occasional note. With my mom, it translates into regular contact but significantly more emotional distance and less trust and heart-to-heart shares than in the past.
All of which […]
