AFRAID TO BE BEAUTIFUL


I am a young, sex-loving, predominantly heterosexual woman. I love dressing up, and I love playing diva. I love gorgeous men, and I love flirting wildly. I know I am beautiful, and I want to flaunt it.

I want to be able to walk down the street and hang out at dance clubs, connecting with all the cute guys - looking them in the eyes and exchanging interested, curious glances; smiling; implicitly giving and receiving affirmations of the power and impact of their and my physical beauty and sexuality. Instead, I find myself practically hiding at home in overalls, avoiding male attention at all costs. Why?

Wherever I go, whatever I do, some guy usually gets in my face - asking me questions, making comments. I can't lie on the beach alone or sit at a cafe alone. Cute young men, creepy old men and everything in between see female flesh and go for it. I could be wearing a potato sack, it wouldn't matter. It's constant, unceasing, without mercy.

I was sitting on the beach, when a man approached me: "Hello, how are you today?" "I want to be alone," I replied. He kept coming toward me, still talking. "I said I want to be alone," I repeated. He didn't stop. "Get the fuck away from me! I don't want to talk with you and I don't want you near me!" I yelled.

The jerk started prancing around, calling *me* crazy, yelling about what a nut *I* was. I moved to a different part of the beach.

Supposedly men give me this kind of attention because they are attracted to me. Supposedly their behavior is a compliment. But when mixed with dominance and disrespect, a man's overtures hardly feel flattering and certainly are not enjoyable.

I believe that sex is, among other things, about power. Our sex flows through our root chakra - the core of our being. To be acknowledged as beautiful and desirable is to be acknowledged as powerful. To be acknowledged as powerful in turn is to be acknowledged as being vibrantly alive and having impact. I want that acknowledgement.

When my beauty is received in a way that undermines my power, there is no joy in being seen as beautiful. Sexist approaches turn my beauty into a tool for power *over* me, rather than an expression of my own power. I end up having to fight "because" I am beautiful. And so I hide my beauty to avoid these fights.

By approaching a woman in a dominating way, a man does not allow a woman the room to reject him. Even if she does shoo him away or fight him off, he has managed to take something from her: He has robbed her of physical space, and he has denied her the ability to make a personal choice in peace. As such, he has robbed her of the power of autonomy.

Men themselves lose out when they approach women in dominating ways: They don't get to experience how it feels to be welcomed by a woman.They don't get to share the true connection that exists between two full, autonomous human beings. And they don't get attention from wonderful, beautiful women who stay miles away from them out of a dislike of male dominance. The irony of it is that in trying to deny a woman the room to reject him, a man also may deny her the room to appreciate him.

I want the room to appreciate men. More importantly, I also want the room to appreciate and celebrate myself. I want to let my long, curly hair flow sensually in the wind. I want to wear clothes that express my playfulness, creativity, and sexuality. I want to dance as I walk, smile as I talk, radiate the glory of being alive. And I want male attention - lots of it! - but this attention *must* be respectful.

Men finally must learn that a woman's open beauty and sexuality do not entitle them to a piece of her anything - space, time, body, affection, whatever. Can men learn to approach us in ways that honor the independent spirits we are? I hope so, because I, for one, am tired of avoiding men.

And I am tired of being afraid to be beautiful.

This article was published in Moxie Magazine

©1998 by Loolwa Khazzoom. All rights reserved. No portion of this article may be copied without author's permission.

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